Copying other people’s blogs, and posting the content on your own blog, does not make you an authority on a given subject. In fact, you shouldn’t even consider yourself a blogger.

If you’re a chronic Ctrl + C / Ctrl + V kind of guy, there’s a good chance you think I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth. After all, you’re kind enough to attribute the story to the blogger. Or, if you’re super generous,you’ll only copy half of a story, sending people to my blog to read the rest.

If my wife cooks dinner, and I move the steak from the stove to my plate, it doesn’t give me the right to claim myself an Iron Chef. Even if I add salt.

Imagine if you will, that Pepsi decided to sell Coke. Oh, it’s in a Pepsi can, just filled to the brim with Coke. If you look closely at the bottom of the can it tells you that it’s Coke inside.

One more comparison for these blog leechers.

Here in New York, how would the New York Times feel if the Daily News started to publish their stories – without permission – in there entirely. Even with proper attribution, it’s illegal and would never fly.

Tell me why we give these so-called self-proclaimed bloggers, who are nothing more than human content aggregators, the license to steal. The Internet might be the Wild Wild West, with enforcement impractical. However, I urge you, dear readers, to take the law into your own hands. Do not give these copy and pasters your business. Just go to Google and research the topic you’re interested. Cause at the end of the day, that’s all these bloggin’ wannabes are doing.

If you’re going to take the bulk of my post, I don’t want your click-throughs. I hope other authentic bloggers agree.

It’s called creativity. Go find some.

Is anyone still pressured by a hard sell? You know the type.

“Just sign on the dotted line. These could be gone by tomorrow! Prices are going up.”

Many industries still employ these irritating tactics, yet I tend to believe that Generation X, Y and everyone in between is more likely to take action with a soft sell.

Sorry Annoying Salesperson Guy, things that I want, sell themselves. You see, I operate on instinct; not just with what I’m buying, but with you. And my Spidey Sense tells me all you are about is making this month’s sales quota.

For some strange reason, salesfolks employ their full-court press routine when BIG purchases are at stake – cars, homes, life insurance and so on. However, these are usually the types of investments that the buyer will have thoroughly researched. They are also personal in nature. The last thing I want to think about when my car breaks down, my home goes up in flames, or my heart gives out, is that some slick-talking charlatan with an associates degree convinced me of what was good for me.

I’m confident that most JOAB readers will agree. But a single question remains: Who the hell still buys from these people?

Clearly, someone is still driving commissions. But why? Are you scared to say no? Desperate to just get away from this creep? Getting filibustered to death?

These might be the same folks who fall prey to Nigerian refugees looking to wire money to your bank account. Or perhaps they are waiting by the mailbox for their “miracle” pills to arrive.

Or maybe, we’re finally experiencing a true societal renaissance: The death of the salesman.

Somebody please shed some light.

He’s making a list and checking it twice, and we’re not talking about Santa Claus.

The most read list this of 2007 will clearly be The Juice List, sorry kids.

It should come to no surprise to many of you that we made the cut.
Yes, Jack of All Blogs admits to the use of anabolic steroids, human growth hormones and lots of Red Bull.

How else did you expect us to take this blog to the next level?

Former Senator George J. Mitchell, who was commissioned by Major League Baseball to conduct an investigation into MLB drug use, finally unveiled his 409-page report after much hype. A bit long and a bit late if you ask us.

We applaud the use of tax-payer dollars to help effort this investigation. Why create jobs or cut the murder rate when you can point fingers at professional athletes?

Players on the list include Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Andy Pettitte and at least one representative from every single one of the 30 major league teams.

People often ask how can we stop this “cheating.” I don’t need the 409 pages or the 20 recommendations Mitchell has outlined. I have the solution:

STOP CARING ABOUT GROWN MEN PLAYING A GAME AND DON’T WATCH

Eleven words and this snarky blogger just solved an American epidemic. I’m tired of hearing that we can’t punish players since these acts were committed before certain rules were in place. That’s all BS. They knowingly bent the rules to gain an advantage, thus creating a culture that is already engrained in our world’s children, teens and adults.

Do you understand how long it’s going to take to undo this mess?

This blogger is going to hold players, teams, owners and the league accountable by tuning out the game I’ve loved for many, many years.

I hope you’ll do the same. The only way to get them to change is to take the money out of their pockets.

And for the record, JOAB never lets anyone inject him in the butt. Ever.

The power of the Internet will amaze me until the day I die. It can make nobodies somebodies and turn winners into losers overnight. If Andy Warhol knew that there would be a World Wide Web he probably would’ve guaranteed everyone 30 minutes of fame.

Sadly, the power to become “famous on the net” moves past videos involving two girls and one cup or hurdling cubicle walls. Last week in Nebraska here in America there was a tragic mall massacre that left nine people dead and several others badly injured. The gunman, whose name we won’t even mention, premeditated the crime – knowing that the demonic action would plant his name and image around the world.

Unfortunately, he was right.

This poor excuse of a human being was the ultimate loser. An angry coward. Rather then spend another second evoking his highly-forgettable name, let’s talk about the greater problem.

As wide-spread use of the Internet continues to grow, and more and more people recognize its power to spread their gospel, the danger increases for average citizens like you and me. Like the people working and shopping in that Omaha mall.

Here’s what I propose. And this applies for all that plan and execute a crime with the intention and hope of using the Internet as a suicide note.

You get erased. Permanently. Forever.

The sicko will have their name and image removed from the Internet. Anything they’ve ever posted, written or drew. GONE.

I know it’s wishful thinking. But think about it: What do we gain as a society from the so-called ‘insight.’ There are no clues and there’s no way to stop the madness. In their sick and twisted minds these criminals become notorious. Famous. And they have us to thank for the fame.

Some of you are probably crying, “How dare you, Andrew! The Internet is meant to be free and unregulated.”

Go explain that to the families of the victims.

Who’s with me?

Numbers. Magical, aren’t they? Not really. But for some reason, when it comes to blog post titles, they magically produce readers, better than any Copperfield magic trick ever could.

The entire thing baffles me.

Let’s look at two fake blog titles and you tell me which one you would click on.

17 Ways to Be Happy
vs.
The Secret to Happiness

I’m willing to bet my Jack of All Blogs paycheck that the first one would receive the majority of clicks. Think about how stupid that is. Why would you want to do something 17 ways when you can do it once? It goes against Web logic. We want things fast. Immediate gratification. Yet, rather then take the easiest route possible, we need lengthy laundry lists that in many cases are jammed with filler.

If a blog writer is going to do the research so the reader doesn’t have to, just cut to the chase and give me the solution. I don’t need 9 Ways to Get the Smell of Garlic Off My Hands. I need the ONE that will do the trick.

Anyone can make a list. But not everyone has the editorial know-how to write balanced reviews and make analytical decisions. Even if it’s not a “knowledge” issue it might be a balls issue. As in, having the intestinal fortitude to go on the record with strong thoughts and opinions. I know it’s a trick that works, but c’mon bloggers – it’s time we find the next “click trap.”

I’m not saying that numbers don’t make for attention-grabbing headlines. But are we as readers so gullible that a simple numeric will pull us in every time?

11 Ways to Unclog a Toilet
6 Must-Have Writing Utensils
17 Stars Under 30 Born in April

These are stories that should attract ZERO interest. But the addition of a mere number would surely lure in readers.

Take a look at the front page of Digg or Mixx or Thoof – or the social news site of your choice. Odds are, their home pages are jammed with more numbers than Steven Hawking could handle.

In fact, since numbers are everywhere in blog titles, I’m going to start only clicking on word-only headlines. Since they are the exception, not the rule, they’re starting to stick out more than ever before.

There weren’t 53 reasons you needed to read this. In fact, there probably wasn’t even one.

Get that candy ready, neighbors, cause I’m gonna knock on your door dressed as my favorite thing: a blog. And don’t you dare ask me what I’m supposed to be. The Feedburner chicklet painted on my forehead should give it away.

Try and hand me some Smarties or some other sugary junk that you only bought because it was on sale and watch what happens. I’ll ask for the “trick” instead of the “treat” and you’ll be stumped. You see, most homeowners never take the time to plan in case a costumed kid actually requests the “trick.” I call for a revolution. One that calls for kids turning down junk and asking for fun!

Back to my costume. It’s pretty dope.

I’ve gone with the two-column Wordpress. You know the type. It’s the one that bloggers promising to make you rich rely on. The left side of my body is pretty generic. A lot of text talking about how I’m the man and how you want to be just like me. There are a few images flush left and some random embedded media (three YouTube videos, two Scribd documents and Twitter updates). The latest Twitter reads, “Begging for candy, preferably Twizzlers.”

In case I happen to ring your bell and you’re still confused as to what I am, take a look at my left arm. Google AdSense, everywhere. Actually, it’s on my feet too. A blogger’s got to make money right? I’m thinking of adding TextLinkAds and Kontera contextual ads next year. We’ll see.

The right side of my body is blinking, just like any “make money” blog worth its salt in the blogosphere. You see, I have stacked widgets everywhere: head to toe. I need to know who’s visited my blog and from where – and I need to make that information public for the world to see. You also need to be aware of what awards I’ve won (Blogger of the Day, woo hoo!) and every single network I’m affiliated with. Let’s not forget, buried all the way on the bottom, much to their chagrin, the BlogRush widget!

The costume would not be complete without me begging for comments. Since it is a holiday and I’m so happy, I’m going to hold a little comment contest (since that area is so barren!). Leave a comment on my back and I’ll give you a chance to win the candy you gave me back! Sweet! Blog about my costume, and you’ll be entered twice!

Any guy can be Michael Myers, Freddy or Jason. Any girl can dress like a witchy whore. And any kid can be Dora or a pirate. But it takes a special person, like me, to dress up as something I truly love.

Somewhere between you dropping three pennies and a Tootsie Roll into my plastic pumpkin I will ask you to subscribe. You will. Yet when I check my stats on Sunday morning, you’ll be gone.

All I ask is that the kid down the block doesn’t show up at the Halloween party in the same costume. That would just suck. Have a safe and happy Halloween and get your own damn costume. Oh, and keep your Smarties to yourself.

If you’re still trying to work out that bloggers union deal, especially the ‘work from home work out’ $tarbuck$ part of the contract, and finances are rather limited and you don’t manage it to squat days long that posh franchise with the thousands varieties of coffee-imitations… fear not.
Especially not if you’re UK based.

McDonalds comes to your rescue. Starting today.

With the launch of free Wi-Fi access in McDonald’s restaurants from Monday, we can provide the ultimate work break for UK employees to conveniently access the worldwide web. From the comfort of our restaurants, Brits will be able to come out of hiding and surf freely, for free.
[emphasis: waldorf]

I can perfectly imagine how it will feel to blog from home, sat on a hard wooden bench with a clinical table, fries and a tray in front of me. Not to mention the oh so del.icio.us iceberg salad and in ketchup drenched cucumbers falling on my keyboard. No, I don’t want my menu to be maximized, but do you have a power outlet where I can plug in? And maybe a cushion too, because those benches are so comfortable.

Soon coming near to you, 4 Dell equipped bloggers, hosted on blogspot, downloading their free music thanks to McDonalds FreeFi and Ronald ‘Beta’ McDonald 2.0.

Little by little I noticed that the once so-popular and hyped Facebook platform has turned in to a perfect spam box, spam with friendly greetings of… your friends.

Day after day my mailbox is flooded with spam messages, clickthrough messages, every time requiring me to visit the FB website. Sometimes just to read a message or discover that someone has added a picture. Basically the same thing I would have discovered anyway, when trying to follow my friend. That is whenever I log in. Daily actually.

And when I log in… then I am greeted by another spam box, the requests.
A little more than 24 hours of facebox absence generated this nice list, as seen in the screenshot at the right. This list obliging me to go on and on with my rant, because the screenshot is more than 700 pixel high. 700+ Pixels of useless spam, cyberwaste waiting to be added to the list of 32 applications I already have installed. And don’t use except for 4 or 5.

A never-ending list of applications, because most of time someone has been flirting cybervirtually flirting, more than just poke, and I HAVE TO add the application to see what they gossiped about me or check if they gave me a slippery banana or a wet nipple growing in my garden to produce endless bread for the rest of my life as a pirate bitten by zombies who lost the battle against the ninjas.

Not to forget the many notifications landing in my so conventional mailbox, because XXX wants me to add a slideshow to my facebox profile… just because she is too damn lazy to click the link to my flickr account in my facebook profile. sigh

Luckily facebox can be rather satisfying, ego-galaxy-stroking even, too… because right now I am… see the second screenshot.
If only they would have spammed me to let me know that!

Over at some of the blogs we run, we get a lot of pingbacks that say

XXXXXX wrote an interesting post today on YYYYYY. Here’s a quick excerpt …

where

• XXXXXX = a random (or sometimes not so) name or email address, and


• YYYYYY = An excerpt of the original blog post title.

Sure, link to us, post about our interesting posts (today!) and all. But to get tons of trackbacks from our sites (linking to yours), which are obviously MFA blogs (for Made-For-AdSense or Made-For-Insert favorite ad scheme here), is blatant disrespect for the authors of original content.

I advise anyone reading this to add the phrase “wrote an interesting post today on” to your comment moderation list or even blacklist.

Curse those automatic content-scraping scripts!

Disclosure always has been the horse to beat to death among bloggers. Bloggers, especially probloggers (whatever that is), are supposed to be honest, beg and warn you every time they want to make some money on your back that they actually could make money if you are no greedy all for free internaut.

Finally, I’ll come clear with things here and agree with the Master, Shoemoney.

You should assume everything written on this blog is a lie. You should assume I have motivation for linking to everything on this page and will benefit from it somehow.

To be entirely honest honest with you…

I assume you know that I everything I write on this page, I will benefit from it somehow.

Yup, that is correct. I can already see those $ signs in your eyes, but forget it! Being a Jack has some advantages! See, I’m a muppet, I can write what I want here. I can rant & rave. Even at your expense.

As long as I disclose. And I think disclosure doesn’t go far enough yet. Also Jacks and Muppets should disclose [their relations]. And best thing to do that, is the lovely XFN code.

XFN™ (XHTML Friends Network) is a simple way to represent human relationships using hyperlinks. In recent years, blogs and blogrolls have become the fastest growing area of the Web. XFN enables web authors to indicate their relationship(s) to the people in their blogrolls simply by adding a ‘rel’ attribute to their <a href> tags

On a side note, XFN also is the perfect way to get screwed in your search engine rankings, but I digress.
To be entirely honest, I think XFN is for netiquette wussies. Those who believe that the web only consists of hugging cybergenes and cuddling cyberDNAstrings. But one of the best things online always were the flames. What is funnier than sit back and enjoy a great flame war and Wikipedia or Usenet.

But what about disclosure?

• rel=”useless”
• rel=”wannabe”
• rel=”whiner”
• rel=”wussy”

Of course no limitations are set, but when disclosing… better do it consequently.