This past week’s one-on-one debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton was shrouded in civility. The two candidates danced around each other, for the most part, playing nice-nice.

We all know that both sides of the aisle want to appear composed, together and unified. But why then, do I sense the same phony relationship between many bloggers and their readers.

Case in point.

John Chow, who I believe runs a fine blog on being an “evil” media mogul, recently announced a contest with an advertiser, iBusinessTalk. What gets me is that the advertiser’s domain is iBusinessTalk.com. However, when you get to the Website, there are banners everywhere spelled iBUSSINESSTALK.

Whoa.

I know that the experts say there is no correlation between spelling and intelligence. However, how can I take business advice from a Website that can’t even spell the word right? That’s biz 101, no?

Errors happen. In fact this post might be rife with them.

What irks me is that, just like the debate, no one wants to take John Chow to task and say, “Hey dude, the company who’s plastered on your Web site totally lacks credibility.”

I know everyone is desperate to win the contest (you get some free ad space on Mr. Chow’s Website) and make a buck, but I expect more from intelligent bloggers and blog readers. As of this post, 37 comments on Chow’s post, and all of them are just fluffy praise.

C’mon people. Let’s not be sheep! That makes us no better than phony politicos.

Jack of All Blogs vows to make self-improvement a priority in ‘08. We want all bloggers to find salvation. That’s why we’ve taken it upon ourselves to write resolutions, not only for ourselves, but for you too, dear blogger.

Stop Stealing. Just cause it comes up in a Google Image search does not mean you can use it. Either pay for images or hunt down royalty-free shots.

Blog Jacking. Taking an excerpt form someone else’s blog and putting it on your own does not make you a blogger; it makes you a copy and paster. Go write some original content.

Less E-mail Checking. Your blog writing would greatly improve if you controlled your A.D.D. Set aside designated times to check your e-mail (a la the 4-Hour Workweek) and control the urge.

Cut Clutter. You can’t control the flood of widgets that are available but you CAN control how many you throw into your sidebar.

Stop. Don’t launch until you have a content plan and are fully committed. If not, you’re wasting valuable domain space that someone else could be running with.

Micro-Blog With Purpose. Only tell us what you’re doing if you are doing something interesting. Don’t tell us that you’re twittering on Twitter.

We All Digg. I don’t need you to tell me what’s been featured on the Digg homepage since I’ve already been there.

Network Offline. Building it isn’t enough. You should promote your content both online and off.

Numbers and Questions. Sure they’re catchy to draw readers in, but hopefully people are starting to see through the gimmick. If your content doesn’t back up your headline, repeat visitors will go repeat somewhere else.

About Us. Go clean up your About Us page. It should not only tell people about YOU but about your mission/goal behind the blog. For good measure, also include your contact information.

We’ll do our best to stick to these resolutions and hope you do too. At least when we drop the ball on January 2 we won’t be alone!

Now cue all of the new “let me chronicle my weight loss” blogs.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

Now that’s what laptops were invented for, right? Computing power anytime, anywhere. Lugging around a 15-inch MacBook Pro isn’t quite my idea of how to best digest my RSS feeds while doing my thing, though. Thankfully with my latest gadget I won’t have to worry about getting a $2,500 device wet and rusty.

AdSense check just cleared and with a few extra bucks I got myself this Christmas season’s must-have gadget (aside from the iPhone)—the Asus Eee PC, the two-pound $400 wonder. Sure most modern laptops today will run circles around the Eee in terms of specs but this baby has hit the sweet spot in terms of price, portability, features and functionality.

The Eee measures just 10 inches diagonally and runs on a 900 MHz Celeron-M processor with 512MB of RAM and a 4 GB solid-state drive. It has three USB 2.0 ports, a VGA-out port, built-in mic and stereo speakers, MMC/SD slot and a webcam. Battery lasts three and a half hours.

Sure, it’s not top of the line in terms of specs, but again at $400 and at 2 pounds, it is worth considering, isn’t it?

Most other brand laptops close to this size will be more powerful and with more features, but also the closest competitor costs four times more. And at $400, the Eee is an Internet-ready computer with a light and fast operating system (Linux-based). Good enough for blogging anywhere there’s a WiFi connection. Perfect for those in the blogging biz like me.

I can now bring a full-fledged computer anywhere without breaking my back—and the bank.

So am I really blogging from the bathroom? Well, my home WiFi signal does reach to the bathroom, but to be honest I’d rather not read my RSS list while sitting on the throne. Too much crap can be a bad thing.

Numbers. Magical, aren’t they? Not really. But for some reason, when it comes to blog post titles, they magically produce readers, better than any Copperfield magic trick ever could.

The entire thing baffles me.

Let’s look at two fake blog titles and you tell me which one you would click on.

17 Ways to Be Happy
vs.
The Secret to Happiness

I’m willing to bet my Jack of All Blogs paycheck that the first one would receive the majority of clicks. Think about how stupid that is. Why would you want to do something 17 ways when you can do it once? It goes against Web logic. We want things fast. Immediate gratification. Yet, rather then take the easiest route possible, we need lengthy laundry lists that in many cases are jammed with filler.

If a blog writer is going to do the research so the reader doesn’t have to, just cut to the chase and give me the solution. I don’t need 9 Ways to Get the Smell of Garlic Off My Hands. I need the ONE that will do the trick.

Anyone can make a list. But not everyone has the editorial know-how to write balanced reviews and make analytical decisions. Even if it’s not a “knowledge” issue it might be a balls issue. As in, having the intestinal fortitude to go on the record with strong thoughts and opinions. I know it’s a trick that works, but c’mon bloggers – it’s time we find the next “click trap.”

I’m not saying that numbers don’t make for attention-grabbing headlines. But are we as readers so gullible that a simple numeric will pull us in every time?

11 Ways to Unclog a Toilet
6 Must-Have Writing Utensils
17 Stars Under 30 Born in April

These are stories that should attract ZERO interest. But the addition of a mere number would surely lure in readers.

Take a look at the front page of Digg or Mixx or Thoof – or the social news site of your choice. Odds are, their home pages are jammed with more numbers than Steven Hawking could handle.

In fact, since numbers are everywhere in blog titles, I’m going to start only clicking on word-only headlines. Since they are the exception, not the rule, they’re starting to stick out more than ever before.

There weren’t 53 reasons you needed to read this. In fact, there probably wasn’t even one.

Green this and green that. Green cars, green companies, and green thumbs. Wait. That last one has been around forever.

Everywhere you turn someone is going green.

It used to be one of my favorite colors. Now, it’s dead to me. Too common. I’m the kind of blogger that likes to buck a trend.

I’m sticking to the old definition of green. The one with all of those negative connotations: Inexperienced; jealous; sick.

The world will laugh last when the trees are all gone and I’m alone, hooked up to some God-awful mechanical breathing machine. But with my last breath I will declare black as my favorite color. Maybe cause it’ll be the color of my lungs. Or maybe because it just brings out the color of my eyes.

Green is a color, the perception of which is evoked by light having a spectrum dominated by energy with a wavelength of roughly 520–570 nm.

Huh?

Embedded carbon emissions and global warming and fossil fuels. Maybe I’m just too dumb to understand any of it.

Many bloggers are looking for ways to “green” their blog. Yes, green is now a verb. If you are interested, you can check out TreeHugger for more info.

Not me. I’m green enough.

Over 20,000 blogs participated in Blog Action Day, which this year, was all about – you guessed it – getting’ your green on!

So is Jack of All Blogs green? You betcha!

We like Kermit the Frog, pistachio ice cream (with cherries) and good ol’ American greenbacks. Plus, we’ll always have an affinity for green slime, a la Double Dare.

I’m not saying going green is bad. In fact, you should follow the herd. As for me, black is the new green. Who’s with me?

I recently had the displeasure of recruiting new writers for one of my blogs. For the measly few bucks a post I was willing to shell out, I was hardly expecting David Foster Wallace. However, I did expect eighth-grade level writing. And people who understood what they were applying for. And people, who when asked for 250 words, delivered 250 words.

It’s with the utmost respect that I remind you folks trolling around Blogger Jobs and similar sites that there are rules when you apply for jobs:

- Follow the job posting’s instructions

- Provide error-free copy

- Make your inquiry unique

- Make your contact information crystal clear

- Do not ask for $75 for a 200 word post

It doesn’t matter if you’re applying to be a part-time blogger or a full-time CEO. And yes, someone really did expect me to pay almost 50 cents a word for a blog post!

It’s a crowded playing field out there friends, and rest assured, there are people out there who can write twice as well as you – and will take half the pay. I’m not above the law. You’re not above the law. John Chow and all of the Probloggers out there are not above the law. It’s the law of life. No matter what you do for a living, never forget it.

One final note. I was overwhelmed at the number of stay-at-home moms that are looking to blog for bucks. Do you really need the cash or are you just trying to stay sane by making ‘adult’ contact?

My wish for the world is that there are enough freelance blogging gigs for all of us. And may they each pay $75 per post.

On behalf of bloggers across the nation, I would like to thank Google for lowering the RageRank of blogs that participated in any paid link or pay per post activity. Rather than slap the “offenders” on the wrist, the Google gang went all gulag on us and dove in straight for the kill. No warning. No immediate recourse. Just deflated numbers and lower traffic.

Sometimes life lessons need to be tough. Like the time dad didn’t let me take the car to pick up Alexandra on our second date because I called him a prick.

Let’s just say that my eyes have been opened. How dare I look to profit from my passion/hobby/love of blogging. Apparently, I need to be more like Google and just work for the sheer “kick” of it all.

Personally, one of my blogs (not this one) dropped from a PR5 to a PR ZERO - overnight. How would Google like it if they woke up one morning and they found that their stock price had slid from $651 to zero? Well, lucky for them, no one entity can play God with the markets. The same, however, can’t be said for PageRank.

Again, thanks for the life lesson.

As you are already aware, most bloggers have more money than they know what to do with. I don’t know about you, but I tend to blog from the East Wing of my palace.

I guess I was just being greedy when I decided to tell my audience about a business or service that might actually be of interest to them. That’ll teach me to be so darn multi-dimensional.

Consider me put in my place, Why would a blogger of my stature look to earn $10 for 200 words when I can earn four cents for 200,000 with AdSense? Math isn’t my strong suit, but that’s an equation even I can grasp.

Many people are reporting on the imminent demise of PageRank. I sure hope that’s not the case. Get those algorithms tweaked and hit me with a big stick – I like it. Please sir, may I have another?

Just like Alexandra back in eighth grade, Google managed to turn me into a zero without a single word of how I can win her (them) back.

That just means I’ll have to try twice as hard. I hope you’ll consider this heartfelt thank you as a solid start. In the meantime, who don’t you cook up a negative PageRank rating system, cause this zero thing just ain’t low enough. Not for the bad boy I’ve been, prick.

This post has been sponsored by no one.

Donations are for charities – not bloggers.

I could care less about your “growing bandwidth expenses” when the world is rife with disease and poverty. For the price of a cup of coffee I could help take your blog to the next level – but I choose not to. Something about educating an underprivileged kid or saving a kitty from an icy death tends to warm my heart just a touch more.

And I hope the same goes for you, dear blog reader. You should NOT donate when bloggers and podcasters beg for change – you should be insulted!

I can already hear blogger’s arguments.

“If the guys at Dunkin’ Donuts can do it, why can’t I.”

Well wake up, Francis – THEY shouldn’t be doing it either.

Restaurants shouldn’t automatically tack on gratuity – cause then people are left wondering – ‘should i leave something extra anyway.’

Tips should be reserved for people who go beyond the call of duty – not for people who do the bare minimum just to accomplish their job – the one they are PAID to do. Even if you go “above and beyond” to be the best blogger the blogosphere has ever seen: who cares. That’s your prerogative. Babies don’t choose to be born with clef pallets or cancer – they’re the ones who need help – not suburban bloggers.

You can blog for free these days. It costs pennies to get on the Internet. Just cause you’ve chosen to get a fancy template and the latest WordPress plugins, shouldn’t mean I have to “tip” you. Unless, of course, I get to tip you over.

Let’s cut to the chase. Your plan, dear begging blogger, is to monetize the thing. And you’re hoping “donations” will get you on the road to riches that much faster. If that’s the case, there’s a homeless guy on the corner of Maple and Main who’s a better businessman than you. And he plays the harmonica.

Are bloggers really cash-strapped? Do they need to unionize? Nah, for the most part, we’re just bored big mouths looking for a venue to vent.

Take your virtual tip jar and shove it.

If readers really want to help a blogger – and the blogging community – here’s how you can help for free: Tell a friend about the blog; Leave a comment on the blog; Offer up a guest post on the blog; Tattoo the blog’s name on your knuckles.

The list goes on and on. Just don’t pull out your wallet – I mean Paypal ID. Cyber begging is lame. There are better causes in the world. Go find one.

Forget doctors, lawyers and sanitation workers. It’s me who has the most important job in the world: BLOGGER.

Oh, you beg to differ? With a few simple keystrokes us lowly bloggers can pull off your mask, expose your true self and watch you tumble from that pedestal.

Cut me off on the highway? I’ll upload photos of you and your car.

Give me poor service? I’ll out your business on Twitter.

We’re like the paparazzi for regular people – armed with keyboards.

That’s why, without further adieu, I unveil a plan that I ask all bloggers who deem themselves worth the words they type to back..

Our occupation belongs on a license plate.

That’s the campaign. A movement to have our profession/skill labeled on license plates that get screwed into our entry level, fuel-efficient automobiles.

I don’t know how license plates operate in your neck of the woods, but here in the United States, there was a time when license plates were used simply for identification purposes. A numeric or alphanumeric code uniquely identified your vehicle within the issuing region’s database.

These days, however, there has been an American movement to incorporate more and more information onto these metal rectangles. The most popular bit of information people are paying extra to include is an abbreviation of their profession. Otherwise known as showing off.

Acupuncturists get ACU; Medical Doctors get MD; Registered Architects get AR, and so on.

What purpose could these identifiers possibly have? Other than the need for an emergency service, I doubt I’ll need to flag down a Hypnotherapist (HT) or a Podiatrist (DPM) out on the road.

That’s why my license plate should say Blogger (BLOG). I’m just as important, if not more so. If you need a list in an emergency, I’m your man. I can also mobilize hundreds of subscribers with the lure of a simple contest.

So are you with me bloggers? It’s time we get the respect we deserve! What could be a better start then an engraved piece of metal announcing our presence to the world.

So write your congressperson and make my dream our reality. If it’s good enough for POWs – it’s good enough for us. As failed writers plagued with ADHD - haven’t we suffered enough?

Get that candy ready, neighbors, cause I’m gonna knock on your door dressed as my favorite thing: a blog. And don’t you dare ask me what I’m supposed to be. The Feedburner chicklet painted on my forehead should give it away.

Try and hand me some Smarties or some other sugary junk that you only bought because it was on sale and watch what happens. I’ll ask for the “trick” instead of the “treat” and you’ll be stumped. You see, most homeowners never take the time to plan in case a costumed kid actually requests the “trick.” I call for a revolution. One that calls for kids turning down junk and asking for fun!

Back to my costume. It’s pretty dope.

I’ve gone with the two-column Wordpress. You know the type. It’s the one that bloggers promising to make you rich rely on. The left side of my body is pretty generic. A lot of text talking about how I’m the man and how you want to be just like me. There are a few images flush left and some random embedded media (three YouTube videos, two Scribd documents and Twitter updates). The latest Twitter reads, “Begging for candy, preferably Twizzlers.”

In case I happen to ring your bell and you’re still confused as to what I am, take a look at my left arm. Google AdSense, everywhere. Actually, it’s on my feet too. A blogger’s got to make money right? I’m thinking of adding TextLinkAds and Kontera contextual ads next year. We’ll see.

The right side of my body is blinking, just like any “make money” blog worth its salt in the blogosphere. You see, I have stacked widgets everywhere: head to toe. I need to know who’s visited my blog and from where – and I need to make that information public for the world to see. You also need to be aware of what awards I’ve won (Blogger of the Day, woo hoo!) and every single network I’m affiliated with. Let’s not forget, buried all the way on the bottom, much to their chagrin, the BlogRush widget!

The costume would not be complete without me begging for comments. Since it is a holiday and I’m so happy, I’m going to hold a little comment contest (since that area is so barren!). Leave a comment on my back and I’ll give you a chance to win the candy you gave me back! Sweet! Blog about my costume, and you’ll be entered twice!

Any guy can be Michael Myers, Freddy or Jason. Any girl can dress like a witchy whore. And any kid can be Dora or a pirate. But it takes a special person, like me, to dress up as something I truly love.

Somewhere between you dropping three pennies and a Tootsie Roll into my plastic pumpkin I will ask you to subscribe. You will. Yet when I check my stats on Sunday morning, you’ll be gone.

All I ask is that the kid down the block doesn’t show up at the Halloween party in the same costume. That would just suck. Have a safe and happy Halloween and get your own damn costume. Oh, and keep your Smarties to yourself.