how to, etc.

Bloggers! Earn $2cpm or more!

Writing post titles that sizzle is the way to get them to your blogsteak.

Readers are in a hurry.

They have no time for guessing games, mind puzzlers, or boring reads.

Readers are hungry and hunting. How do you get their attention?

It’s the ancient advertising wisdom, straight from Madison Avenue, where I have worked, at Grey Advertising:

“Sell the sizzle, not the steak.”

You just finished 8 hours of back-breaking work. You take a quick shower, spruce up a bit. You exit your brownstone, and within the space of a few minutes, are strolling hungrily past various bistros, grills, and steakhouses.

What is it that intoxicates and drives you inside to take a seat and place a famished order?

The menu? No.

The decor? No.

The music? No.

The recipes? No.

The wait staff? No.

All those things may be very important, differentiating, value-added aspects of restaurant selection.

But what really hooks you, deep down in your primitive gut, is the aroma, the sizzle, the excitement of doors swinging and chefs barking commands. The total eating environment works in unison with your pre-condition of starving for something solid and delicious to devour.

Show a starving man photos of uncooked steak. No saliva forthcoming.

Assault a starving man with the sounds and smells of charbroiling, he’s drooling all over himself.

Do that with your post titles.

Now here’s how to put some sizzle and aroma in your post titles. Once you know a few tips, it’s really easy.

E-BASE is all you need to remember.

Euphoria.

(which is caused by)

Benefit.
Astonish.
Specify.
Excite.

Euphoria: promise to make them feel good about themselves (for being smarter or laughing at funny article)...or feel joyfully inspired to try harder and longer than anybody else.

Benefit: Why are you even writing this post? You should say: “To inspire, educate, or entertain my readers.” Well, how does your post title convey this? Make that post title work overtime seducing, drawing, enticing, tempting your readers to Click and Read.

Astonish: Dramatize truthfully, but aggressively, your otherwise boring message. Everything is dull, until someone figures out a way to express it more theatrically. NOT hype, but savvy. NOT sales, but insight. State your idea or opinion in a brazen, clever, memorable manner. Try it on your spouse or best friend. See if they yawn or look confused.

Specify: be exact, use precision, be blunt, not vague or teasing. Say “4 guaranteed ways to keep comment spam off your blog” rather than “Some suggestions for keeping a clean blog”. Or “how to read RSS on your iPod” instead of “great new way to use an iPod”.

Excite: Use shock effect where necessary. NOT nut-job exaggeration, NOT rash angry outbursts, but genuine, justified anger, fear, heart-brokeness. “Why the UN wants to control your blog” instead of “UN seeks power over blogosphere”. By saying “control YOUR blog”, you excite the reader, make them wonder “why MY blog?”

“Leading Edge Lessons from the Top 5 CEO blogs” is more exciting than “23 Biggest mistakes CEO blogs make” which is more compelling than “12 Tips for CEO blogs” which is way better than “Composing a highly professional and effective CEO blog”.

Put the reader into the title, with “you” and “your” whenever possible. “Be a hyper-speed surfer, with Avant browser” is more exciting than “new browser looks promising”.

[signed] steven edward streight aka vaspers the grate

COMmerce PROpaGANDA:

Welcome to the Insane Blog Media Network.

We’ve got brains, balls, and castration blades.

We will now step forward and talk/take over the blogosphere, MSM, and the world (the parts of it we can still exploit).
“Making money as easily as legally possible, with no planning or purpose whatsoever.”
Wild. Hateful. New.~Powered by Intellectual Self-loathing…it gets shit DONE!~
...also we welcome Dirt Bag Bulldykes from Venus

Welcome DBBFV to our insane blog empire!

Dudes, we scored again. Our dicks are HOT, buddy boy.


Steven Streight and the Insane Blog Media Empire would like to welcome our new brainwashed group of girls:


Dirt Bag Bulldykes from Venus.


http://dirtbagbull.blogspot.com


Visit their new stupid blog (they did pay the $1,000…so I WILL work on that blog for them), and post some dopey remarks…TODAY…you RSS wussies

If you are retarded enough to be reading this shit…I pity you.


You must fully and undrunkenly udderstand this: when you are crazy and careless enough to come here, click on ads, buy things from our angelic good guy sponsors…you must be nursed back to mental health.


And the fine -hyped hypertext product I Jack Off All Blogs will be your homophobic guide to such nonsinsimilla.


I and David Krug and Carrie Snell and MaryBeth Bitch Goddess of the Nocturnal New Age Desert Day By Mudderfukking Day…we are already uniting with A Listers, Deep Pocket Blog Empires, Hated MSM Goons, Asshat Media Exfuckitives…to get RICH fast.


See ya.


I gotta go lick a terlet.


“Self-loathing Gets Things DONE…you Luddite syncope!” is our cocky corporate mission statement.

thug rate

Because one or two or less of you sissy skirt groinless readers of the fine hypertext product A Jack Off All Blogs actually TRIED to harsh me…


...I will now clean your AIDS infested toilets.


With my tongue.


Just point me to the bathroom.


If you want to make enough MONEY to buy all the spliff substitutes you could ever puff…


then simply, obediently FOLLOW JACK OF ALL BLOGS to the bitter, ugly END.


Read all the posts here.


Read all the comments here.


Subscribe to the filthy feed RSS/Atom you retard Luddite.


Post rich, relevant, sissy skirt comments at ALL posts, not just my nutjob rantings, you pickle licking twerp.


Pray for us…often.


Send us valid checks. I am forcing people to pay. It works every time. Of course, it helps if I have an iron grip on the balls of their mentors, role models, and idols.


Tee hee hee. I ain’t no girl.


vssssssssssssssssssssppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp


purs thug rate

Easy Lazy Guide to Simple Success Beyond Your Wettest Dreams!!!

(1) If you get a bill in the mail, wrongfully sent, take brown shoe polish, dab some on a Kleenix (buy an ad, Kleenex, in Vaspers the Grape) brand tissue paper, then apply liberally, but in a kind and subtle gently, to select spots of bill.


Put in the postpaid return envelope, or attach the whole thing to a kraft paper wrapped brick, and mail back.


(2) Quick Lazy road to Riches and Fame, PROVEN even here at Jack Blog:


How to Get the Attention and Fondling of Famous, Rich, Successful Rose Turds:


Write nice, funny, smart emails and blog posts to them. Post once a week (NO MORE, for fuck’s sake, you better fucking NOT tell them “Vaspers taught me how to spam you”. Do that, and my MindBots WILL get you, and I’ll provide you with a list of barely communcative victims of this Moon Voodoo I got by inhaling ExtraTerrestial drugs, unapproved by the FDA) a brilliant comment at his or her blog.


(3) Get the rich powerful fucks on YOUR side, for a change, instead of having just creepy lowlife loser bloggers, like my Ph.D. detractors here at this blog (see comments on my posts), and get them to let you clean their toilets.


(4) Leave a nice poem on the toilet lid every day when you have finished polishing the rim and lid with your tongue. Or a list of SUGGESTED (not mandatory) improvements for his company, blog network, or media offerings.


(5) Get high on lamb’s breath, sinsimilla, or rasta spliff…and WAIT.


(6) WAIT some more.


(7) WAIT again…now you’re not “stalking” because you’re too busy beating off to do any serious, sustained stalking or job seeking.


VOILA!...within a few chunks of the space-time continuum, you will be sought eagerly by all the soon-to-be nobody Celebrities, whether Stephen Malkmus, Donald Trump, Seth Godin, Chartreuse, Jakob Nielsen, ghost of Jacques Derrida or Proust, Hilarity Clinton, George Beat Around the Bush, or even me, myself


Be sure to violate usability rules, use ALL CAPS whenever the hell you feel like it, and visit Maddox at The Best Page of the Universe, if he hasn’t had a turdball mental breakdown yet, the sissy. There, at his blog, you WILL grow a set of balls or castration blades (for you beautiful, scantily clad lassies and prim ladies).


Use strange, deliverate typos, be Dada, be Surrealism, be….RICH…and unfortunately FAMOUS.


NOW!


LOVE lopLETTER to ALL my haters and friendly detractors and Spank Administrators: I want you now, as soon as you’re done trying with all your might, to trash or harsh me: do this NOW—go give Satan Spawn Harry Potter yet another big, fat, dreamy blow job. Thank you for your highly motivated cooperation. vsp

thanks for the memories

I had fun here, I really did. But since, even with a gun pointed at them, the readers STILL won’t post any comments, I give up.

I did everything I could think of to keep the audience entertained, enlightened, and excited.

I failed.

Back to Peace and Love…for a second

I just want you to know that…that…you’re kind of okay, I guess.


I apologize for having zeal.

I apologize for craving success.

I apologize for hating poverty.

I apologize for noticing how dumbed down we all have gotten.

I apologize for speaking my mind.

I apologize for targeted aggression.

I apologize for knowing more than you did.

I apologize for clobbering you in blogocombat.

I apologize for trying to provide leadership and a sense of direction.

I apologize for being firm, devoted, and serious.

I apologize for not fitting in with the other zombies.

I apologize for being who I really and truly am, instead of being you, which is far better.

I apologize for having an opinion.

I apologize for typing torrents so fast nobody knows what the H is going on around here anymore.

Passion is an ENERGY, not a feeling!

Because you and I are so sluggish, lethargic, brainwashed, and slow-witted, I must post at the speed of light, just show you what Blog Core Value #1 Passion looks like.

You say a blog needs to be passionate, transparent, authentic, credible, individual, original, creative, relevant, and easy to skim. Then you write lack lustre posts that no one in their right mind would spend more than a millionth of a second reading.

You know I’m speaking the truth…you’ve had people, mean, scary, stinky people post hateful, critical, accurate comments about how fucked up are both you and your simpering standard template with “Edit-Me”s polluting it moronically blog.

I have to waste my time and energy posting 50 posts a day, just to open up your eyes to what happens when a person believes in an Idea, and fights to the Death to MAKE IT HAPPEN

infinite astral blogging for riches and success


Get off your mediocre ass and enrich my blogs with your dopey remarks…or I’ll sick my sister Girlspoke on you, and she likes to hurt, inflict pain, on herself and others.

http://girlspoke.com

My chumps hear the voice of aggression.
The candidates only cheer.

My chumps cringe at the dark sounds.
The candidates never fear.

How To Set Up a Torture Initiation Wiki:

(1) Select the most hateful members of your organization.

(2) Having arrived at the exact ideal number of candidates via a painful filtering process, you may now begin the burning analysis.

Gushing Content Torrents Made Easy


Get off your mediocre ass and enrich my blogs with your dopey remarks…or I’ll sick my sister Girlspoke on you, and she likes to hurt, inflict pain, on herself and others.

http://girlspoke.com

Look around you.

Notice anything bizarre? I do. We do.

Individual bloggers are pissing their diapers and giving up.

Not us.

Group blogs are full of in-fighting, bickering, jealousy, and hurt feelings.

Not us.

Blog networks are appearing…and disappearing so fast…you get nauseus.

Not us.

Bloggers are desperately cluttering their sites with wretched irrelevant ads that ruin the whole shitty appearance and rotten navigation of their blogs.

Not us.

Bloggers are drained, empty, floating in cyberspace with nothing left to say.

Not us.

FOLLOW US~~~~and ONLY US!!

FOREVER.

or perish~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~OOO