Top Jacks: Jack Bauer

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jackbauer.jpgJack Bauer is a fictional character and the main protagonist in the Fox Network’s television series 24, portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland. Jack Bauer is known to be ruthlessly efficient at doing his job, in his various capacities during the six seasons of the series, so far—from being an agent at the Counter-Terrorist Unit in LA, to being director of field operations of CTU LA, to being special assistant to the Secretary of Defense, or just a free agent seeking retribution for personal damages.

Jack Bauer’s character is described as being a “flawed hero” in that the same “tragic flaw” that dictates his rise to power also causes his tragic downfall. In the series, Jack Bauer’s involvement in the counter-terrorist unit has given him adequate training to survive many of the disasters he has faced, and even save the world in the process. But this has also caused much misfortune, especially in the tragic deaths of family members and friends, which can be directly attributed to his being involved in CTU.

Jack Bauer is also characterized by considering the ends more important than the means. Therefore, he will accomplish his mission no matter what the cost. He is known to have killed or caused the deaths of individuals if these meant protecting the lives of the many. Indeed, people closest to him have died as a consequence of Jack’s actions, including his wife (in season 1).

As a running joke, Jack Bauer has usually been put head-to-head with Chuck Norris, as the two are seen as unstoppable forces, and will probably result to the world ending in a violent way if they fought each other.

“Rules don’t apply to Jack Bauer. He does what he wants, when he wants, and he doesn’t care whose life it affects.”

I’ve decided to continue our “Top Jacks” feature. If you have ideas for other Jacks to write about, do email us through the contact page.

Top 20 Jacks. No.20 - Jack LaLanne

Although for many years I worked out at four in the morning and then later I started at five. Now my workout begins around 5:30 or 6:00 am. But I never think of age.

By exercise. I’ll tell you one thing, you don’t always have to be on the go. I sit around a lot, I read a lot, and I do watch television. But I also work out for two hours every day of my life, even when I’m on the road.

Can God go to the gym to work out for you? God helps those that help themselves. You have to do it! God or some omnipotent power or whatever you want to believe in gives you the energy, the will to do it, but you have to do it yourself.

Do it vigorously, like somebody is chasing you. You’ve got to do it hard. Otherwise, if you just take it easy and do it longer, you are spending all that time when you don’t need it. Use that extra time with your weights instead.

Do you know how many calories are in butter and cheese and ice cream? Would you get your dog up in the morning for a cup of coffee and a donut?

Do you think that man could ever make a machine that the only way you could hurt it is don’t use it? Could man make a machine that in every 90 days practically every cell changes? Think about this.

Eight counts to bring it up and eight counts to let it down. That is very hard, I’ll tell you! Then I’d do everything for a while real fast. You aren’t used to any of this so the body responds. Pretty soon the hips and knees start to go, doing the same thing day after day.

Focus on your problem zones, your strength, your energy, your flexibility and all the rest. Maybe your chest is flabby or your hips or waist need toning. Also, you should change your program every thirty days. That’s the key.

For the person that is really progressing and they read up a lot and they have a lot of energy and discipline, they don’t need a trainer. It depends on the individual. I don’t need a trainer – I am my own trainer.

George Burns was more athletic than you think he was. And he was a very social man – he loved people, he enjoyed life. He worked at living. Old George was a social lion, he got around and did things. That’s the key right there. It starts with your brain.

Getting out of shape is like a thief in the night that sneaks up on you. I always tell people that it is never too late. I tell them about the folks in their 90’s that doubled their strength and endurance.

I am proud to say I was just voted in to the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This year I get my star.

[tags]famous jacks,jack lalanne,fitness,george burns,hollywood,walk of fame[/tags]

Forbes’ Richest…Fictional

1. Warbucks, Oliver “Daddy” – $36.2 billion – 52 New York, N.Y. – Defense Industries
2. Burns, Charles Montgomery – $16.8 billion – 104 Springfield, U.S.A. – Energy
3. McDuck, Scrooge – $10.9 billion – 80 Duckburg, U.S.A. – Mining, Treasure Hunting
4. Rich, Richie – $10.7 billion – 10 Richville, U.S.A – Inheritance, Conglomerates
5. Clampett, Jed – $7.7 billion – 51 Beverly Hills, Calif. – Oil & Gas, Banking
6. Monopoly, Mr. – $7.1 billion – 71 Atlantic City, NJ - Real Estate
7. Wayne, Bruce – $6.8 billion – 32 Gotham City, U.S.A. – Inheritance, Defense
8. Stark, Anthony – $3.0 billion – 35 New York, New York – Defense
9. Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria – $2.8 billion – 37 Lagos, Nigeria – Inheritance
10. Howell, Thurston III - $2.7 billion – 60 Private Island, South Pacific – Howell Industries
11. Wonka, Willy – $2.0 billion – 57 Kent, England – Candy; aerospace
12. Malfoy, Lucius – $1.3 billion – 51 Wiltshire, England – Inheritance
13. Montana, Tony – $1 billion – 42 Miami, Florida – Cocaine
14. Croft, Lara – $1 billion – 37 Wimbledon, England – Inheritance, Antiques

Top 20 Jacks. No.19 - Jack Daniels

“Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

“To alcohol, the nights that you’ll never remember, with the friends you’ll never forget.”

“If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.”

“Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”

“To alcohol! The cause of … and solution to all of life’s problems!”

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re gonna feel all day.”

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.”

“Your not really drunk if you are laying on the floor without holding on.”

[tags]famous jacks,jack daniels, whiskey,alcohol,alocoholism,drunk,churchill[/tags]

Top 20 Jacks. No.18 - Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got and down he trot
As fast as he could caper;
And went to bed and covered his head
In vinegar and brown paper.
Then up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper;
To Old Dame Dob who patched his nob
With vinegar and brown paper.
When Jill came in how she did grin
To see Jack’s paper plaster;
Mother vexed, did whip her next,
For causing Jack’s disaster.
Now Jack did laugh and Jill did cry
But her tears did soon abate;
Then Jill did say that they should play
At see-saw across the gate.
[tags]jack and jill, jack off jill, jack killed jill, nursery rhymes,famous jacks[/tags]

Top 20 Jacks. No.17 - Jack Black

“I played, like, a year of piano until I learned the Pink Panther theme. That was my goal. Once I was good enough, I quit. Now my music has to have some rock.”“I’d rather be the king of kids, than the prince of fools.

“If Beethoven and Bach hooked up with Mozart and made a band, they could be a distant runner up to The D.

“The moment you start analyzing your own rock is the moment your rock is dead. That’s why rock is now pretty much dead. Too much analyzation. No rockalyzation!

“The movie Spinal Tap rocked my world. It’s for rock what The Sound of Music was for hills. They really nailed how dumb rock can be.”

“There’s nothing you can really do to prepare to rock. Do you prepare to eat a delicious meal? Are you hungry? Then you’re gonna eat it.”

“You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

“You’re asking me to choose between two children, the one that pays more and the one that I secretly love more. With the acting, it’s somebody else’s brainchild, and I’m just sort of helping flesh it out; with the music, there’s a special satisfaction to being the brains behind the operation.

[tags]jack black, rock, beethoven,spinal tap,famous jacks,school of rock[/tags]

Top 20 Jacks. No.16 - Jack Paar

“I’m complicated, sentimental, lovable, honest, loyal, decent, generous, likable, and lonely. My personality is not split; it’s shredded.”

“Looking back, my life seems like one long obstacle race, with me as the chief obstacle.”

“Poor people have more fun than rich people, they say; and I notice it’s the rich people who keep saying it.”

“One gets the impression that this is how Ernest Hemingway would have written had he gone to Vassar.”

“I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.”

“Doing the show was like painting the George Washington Bridge. As soon as you finished one end, you started right in on the other.”

“To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.”

“Statistics show that many people watch our show from the bedroom. and people you ask into your bedroom have to be more interesting than those you ask into your living room. I kid you not!”

“Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery”

[tags]jack paar,famous jacks,tonight show, televsion stars,zsa zsa gabor,david letterman[/tags]

Top 20 Jacks. No.14 - Jack Lemmon

Failure seldom stops you. What stops you is the fear of failure.

I won’t quit until I get run over by a truck, a producer or a critic.

If you really do want to be an actor who can satisfy himself and his audience, you need to be vulnerable. You must reach the emotional and intellectual level of ability where you can go out stark naked, emotionally, in front of an audience.

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

It’s hard enough to write a good drama, it’s much harder to write a good comedy, and it’s hardest of all to write a drama with comedy. Which is what life is.

Nobody deserves this much money – certainly not an actor.

Stay humble. Always answer your phone – no matter who else is in the car.

[tags]jack lemmon, actors,walter mattau, marilyn monroe,shirley maclaine,some like it hot[/tags]

When Insults Had Class



“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill


“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
– Winston Churchill


“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow


“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas


“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln


“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx


“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain


“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde


“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend… if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response


“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop


“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright


“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb


“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson


“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating


“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr


“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
– Jack E. Leonard


“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
– Robert Redford


“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
– Thomas Brackett Reed


“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
– James Reston (about Richard Nixon)


“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand


“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker


“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain


“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West


“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde


“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang


“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder


[tags]winson churchill,insults,billy wilder, oscar wilde,mae west,class,mark twain,robert redford, ernest hemingway[/tags]

Top 20 Jacks. No.13 - Jack & the Beanstalk

jack12

There was once upon a time a poor widow who had an only son named Jack, and a cow named Milky-White. And all they had to live on was the milk the cow gave every morning, which they carried to the market and sold. But one morning Milky-White gave no milk, and they didn’t know what to do.


“What shall we do, what shall we do?” said the widow, wringing her hands.


“Cheer up, mother, I’ll go and get work somewhere,” said Jack.


“We’ve tried that before, and nobody would take you,” said his mother. “We must sell Milky-White and with the money start a shop, or something.”


“All right, mother,” says Jack. “It’s market day today, and I’ll soon sell Milky-White, and then we’ll see what we can do.”


So he took the cow’s halter in his hand, and off he started. He hadn’t gone far when he met a funny-looking old man, who said to him, “Good morning, Jack.”


“Good morning to you,” said Jack, and wondered how he knew his name.


“Well, Jack, and where are you off to?” said the man.


“I’m going to market to sell our cow there.”


“Oh, you look the proper sort of chap to sell cows,” said the man. “I wonder if you know how many beans make five.”


“Two in each hand and one in your mouth,” says Jack, as sharp as a needle.


“Right you are,” says the man, “and here they are, the very beans themselves,” he went on, pulling out of his pocket a number of strange-looking beans. “As you are so sharp,” says he, “I don’t mind doing a swap with you—your cow for these beans.”


“Go along,” says Jack. “Wouldn’t you like it?”


“Ah! You don’t know what these beans are,” said the man. “If you plant them overnight, by morning they grow right up to the sky.”


“Really?” said Jack. “You don’t say so.”


“Yes, that is so. And if it doesn’t turn out to be true you can have your cow back.”


“Right,” says Jack, and hands him over Milky-White’s halter and pockets the beans.


Back goes Jack home, and as he hadn’t gone very far it wasn’t dusk by the time he got to his door.


“Back already, Jack?” said his mother. “I see you haven’t got Milky-White, so you’ve sold her. How much did you get for her?”


“You’ll never guess, mother,” says Jack.


“No, you don’t say so. Good boy! Five pounds? Ten? Fifteen? No, it can’t be twenty.”


“I told you you couldn’t guess. What do you say to these beans? They’re magical. Plant them overnight and—“


“What!” says Jack’s mother. “Have you been such a fool, such a dolt, such an idiot, as to give away my Milky-White, the best milker in the parish, and prime beef to boot, for a set of paltry beans? Take that! Take that! Take that! And as for your precious beans here they go out of the window. And now off with you to bed. Not a sup shall you drink, and not a bit shall you swallow this very night.”


So Jack went upstairs to his little room in the attic, and sad and sorry he was, to be sure, as much for his mother’s sake as for the loss of his supper.


At last he dropped off to sleep.


When he woke up, the room looked so funny. The sun was shining into part of it, and yet all the rest was quite dark and shady. So Jack jumped up and dressed himself and went to the window. And what do you think he saw? Why, the beans his mother had thrown out of the window into the garden had sprung up into a big beanstalk which went up and up and up till it reached the sky. So the man spoke truth after all.


The beanstalk grew up quite close past Jack’s window, so all he had to do was to open it and give a jump onto the beanstalk which ran up just like a big ladder. So Jack climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he reached the sky. And when he got there he found a long broad road going as straight as a dart. So he walked along, and he walked along, and he walked along till he came to a great big tall house, and on the doorstep there was a great big tall woman.


“Good morning, mum,” says Jack, quite polite-like. “Could you be so kind as to give me some breakfast?” For he hadn’t had anything to eat, you know, the night before, and was as hungry as a hunter.


“It’s breakfast you want, is it?” says the great big tall woman. “It’s breakfast you’ll be if you don’t move off from here. My man is an ogre and there’s nothing he likes better than boys broiled on toast. You’d better be moving on or he’ll be coming.”


“Oh! please, mum, do give me something to eat, mum. I’ve had nothing to eat since yesterday morning, really and truly, mum,” says Jack. “I may as well be broiled as die of hunger.”


Well, the ogre’s wife was not half so bad after all. So she took Jack into the kitchen, and gave him a hunk of bread and cheese and a jug of milk. But Jack hadn’t half finished these when thump! thump! thump! the whole house began to tremble with the noise of someone coming.


“Goodness gracious me! It’s my old man,” said the ogre’s wife. “What on earth shall I do? Come along quick and jump in here.” And she bundled Jack into the oven just as the ogre came in.


He was a big one, to be sure. At his belt he had three calves strung up by the heels, and he unhooked them and threw them down on the table and said, “Here, wife, broil me a couple of these for breakfast. Ah! what’s this I smell?



Fee-fi-fo-fum,

I smell the blood of an Englishman,

Be he alive, or be he dead,

I’ll have his bones to grind my bread.”


“Nonsense, dear,” said his wife. “You’re dreaming. Or perhaps you smell the scraps of that little boy you liked so much for yesterday’s dinner. Here, you go and have a wash and tidy up, and by the time you come back your breakfast’ll be ready for you.”So off the ogre went, and Jack was just going to jump out of the oven and run away when the woman told him not. “Wait till he’s asleep,” says she; “he always has a doze after breakfast.”Well, the ogre had his breakfast, and after that he goes to a big chest and takes out a couple of bags of gold, and down he sits and counts till at last his head began to nod and he began to snore till the whole house shook again.Then Jack crept out on tiptoe from his oven, and as he was passing the ogre, he took one of the bags of gold under his arm, and off he pelters till he came to the beanstalk, and then he threw down the bag of gold, which, of course, fell into his mother’s garden, and then he climbed down and climbed down till at last he got home and told his mother and showed her the gold and said, “Well, mother, wasn’t I right about the beans? They are really magical, you see.”So they lived on the bag of gold for some time, but at last they came to the end of it, and Jack made up his mind to try his luck once more at the top of the beanstalk.So one fine morning he rose up early, and got onto the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he came out onto the road again and up to the great tall house he had been to before. There, sure enough, was the great tall woman a-standing on the doorstep.


“Good morning, mum,” says Jack, as bold as brass, “could you be so good as to give me something to eat?”


“Go away, my boy,” said the big tall woman, “or else my man will eat you up for breakfast. But aren’t you the youngster who came here once before? Do you know, that very day my man missed one of his bags of gold.”


“That’s strange, mum,” said Jack, “I dare say I could tell you something about that, but I’m so hungry I can’t speak till I’ve had something to eat.”


Well, the big tall woman was so curious that she took him in and gave him something to eat. But he had scarcely begun munching it as slowly as he could when thump! thump! they heard the giant’s footstep, and his wife hid Jack away in the oven.


All happened as it did before. In came the ogre as he did before, said, “Fee-fi-fo-fum,” and had his breakfast off three broiled oxen.


Then he said, “Wife, bring me the hen that lays the golden eggs.” So she brought it, and the ogre said, “Lay,” and it laid an egg all of gold. And then the ogre began to nod his head, and to snore till the house shook.


Then Jack crept out of the oven on tiptoe and caught hold of the golden hen, and was off before you could say “Jack Robinson.” But this time the hen gave a cackle which woke the ogre, and just as Jack got out of the house he heard him calling, “Wife, wife, what have you done with my golden hen?”


And the wife said, “Why, my dear?”


But that was all Jack heard, for he rushed off to the beanstalk and climbed down like a house on fire. And when he got home he showed his mother the wonderful hen, and said “Lay” to it; and it laid a golden egg every time he said “Lay.”


Well, Jack was not content, and it wasn’t long before he determined to have another try at his luck up there at the top of the beanstalk. So one fine morning he rose up early and got to the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till he got to the top.


But this time he knew better than to go straight to the ogre’s house. And when he got near it, he waited behind a bush till he saw the ogre’s wife come out with a pail to get some water, and then he crept into the house and got into the copper. He hadn’t been there long when he heard thump! thump! thump! as before, and in came the ogre and his wife.


“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman,” cried out the ogre. “I smell him, wife, I smell him.”


“Do you, my dearie?” says the ogre’s wife. “Then, if it’s that little rogue that stole your gold and the hen that laid the golden eggs he’s sure to have got into the oven.” And they both rushed to the oven.


But Jack wasn’t there, luckily, and the ogre’ s wife said, “There you are again with your fee-fi-fo-fum. Why, of course, it’s the boy you caught last night that I’ve just broiled for your breakfast. How forgetful I am, and how careless you are not to know the difference between live and dead after all these years.”


So the ogre sat down to the breakfast and ate it, but every now and then he would mutter, “Well, I could have sworn—” and he’d get up and search the larder and the cupboards and everything, only, luckily, he didn’t think of the copper.


After breakfast was over, the ogre called out, “Wife, wife, bring me my golden harp.”


So she brought it and put it on the table before him. Then he said, “Sing!” and the golden harp sang most beautifully. And it went on singing till the ogre fell asleep, and commenced to snore like thunder.


Then Jack lifted up the copper lid very quietly and got down like a mouse and crept on hands and knees till he came to the table, when up he crawled, caught hold of the golden harp and dashed with it towards the door.


But the harp called out quite loud, “Master! Master!” and the ogre woke up just in time to see Jack running off with his harp.


Jack ran as fast as he could, and the ogre came rushing after, and would soon have caught him, only Jack had a start and dodged him a bit and knew where he was going. When he got to the beanstalk the ogre was not more than twenty yards away when suddenly he saw Jack disappear like, and when he came to the end of the road he saw Jack underneath climbing down for dear life. Well, the ogre didn’t like trusting himself to such a ladder, and he stood and waited, so Jack got another start.


But just then the harp cried out, “Master! Master!” and the ogre swung himself down onto the beanstalk, which shook with his weight. Down climbs Jack, and after him climbed the ogre.


By this time Jack had climbed down and climbed down and climbed down till he was very nearly home. So he called out, “Mother! Mother! bring me an ax, bring me an ax.” And his mother came rushing out with the ax in her hand, but when she came to the beanstalk she stood stock still with fright, for there she saw the ogre with his legs just through the clouds.


But Jack jumped down and got hold of the ax and gave a chop at the beanstalk which cut it half in two. The ogre felt the beanstalk shake and quiver, so he stopped to see what was the matter. Then Jack gave another chop with the ax, and the beanstalk was cut in two and began to topple over. Then the ogre fell down and broke his crown, and the beanstalk came toppling after.


Then Jack showed his mother his golden harp, and what with showing that and selling the golden eggs, Jack and his mother became very rich, and he married a great princess, and they lived happy ever after.


[tags]jack and the beanstalk,children’s stories,famous jacks,golden eggs[/tags]