Given his imposing stature and razor-sharp wit, The Deuce is pretty much used to people taking courses of action that are less than admirable, especially when their panties are in a wad. And while he’s flattered that accusations of Deuce impersonators are rampant, The Deuce knows that there can be only one big, bad, panty-wadder. Of course, none of these accused wannabes are legit, no matter how deep you want to dig. Go ahead and do a Technorati cross interpolation with Google Earth, and then divide that by a blogline. Multiply your blogshares and then post to your del.icio.us, and what do you get? Still no Deuce. Nice try.

The Deuce rides free in relative obscurity! Keep on guessin, suckaz.

Update [Feb. 11 @ 10:33 pm]: When will The Deuce get the credit he deserves? It seems like whenever anyone smells shit, they just assume it was Cowboy who took the dump. Here’s yet another example of how blind judgement is infecting the blogosphere:

David Krug (aka Cowboy / Sidekick / Deuce / Ace and whatever other personas this mentally disturbed fuck-wit can come up with) came to fame with his blog, the Jack of all Blogs – during his 15 minutes of fame most realised there were a few loose screws there and just as quickly the interest factor was over – ever since, it’s been an extremely sad and lonely cry for attention.

This two-faced imbecile took Liz to the cleaners just a little, and anytime someone goes after a friend, they go after me – I stand by my friends.

David Krug, this is to you, not any of your personas … you are being called out here. Be a man and … Stop!

So Cowboy is also Sidekick? And The Deuce? The Deuce is so offended. On the other hand, Cowboy, it looks like you can ignore Martin, because I think he’s really trying to call me out here. Although I want you to know that I don’t take it lightly that he called you a “fuck-wit.” Personally, I like to think of you as more of an ass…

Slap the bitch!

That’s right, Sidekick… Cowboy called, and he’s on his way back. Shine up his spurs; do the dishes; and put tanner all over his assless chaps – I don’t want him to know I’ve been wearing ‘em.

After a week of trying to browse porn from a 28.8 modem, I’m sure he won’t want to deal with any of life’s minor annoyances.

Today Sammy Splenda announced the new SexNotWork network, which is a collaboration between Captain Aspartame and Sir Spanksalot of 9rules. Although Sammy doesn’t mention it, I think the entire 9rules team may be involved in the project, because the SexNotWork homepage reeks of Rundle-ism, which is actually a good thing.

One thing The Deuce wants to know, however, is why on earth is SexNotWork.com on the same server as Business Logs and a bunch of other Fine Fools sites (thank you, webhosting.info)? I mean, this is sex we’re talking about, right? Unlike The Beatles, sex really is bigger than Jesus, at least on the internets. I’d be hoping for enough traffic to clam up that poor little Media Temple server…

Fellas, did we not learn from the “overwhelming response” to 9rules open submission rounds and whatnot? Overshoot initial expectations here – I know you’re all doing well enough to place the SplendaSpankerNetwork on its own freaking server. This is really just 9rules philosophy meets porn, so why not apply the same logic?

On a somewhat related note, I think the 9rules team is in the lead for “hardest working network” of Q1 2006. The Deuce actually thinks the WordPress backbone at the “new 9rules” is pretty slick, and if the SexNotWork network brings this kind of quality to the table, The Deuce may have to abandon the comforts of seedy titty bars in favor of some spammed-out internet pr0n. Mmmm….boooobies.

Vince Chan has come and gone (sans-linkage, too). Some douche named “Chris” flamed out into the blogovoid after turning in a marquee performance in the comments here on JOAB. Blogging for dollars just isn’t the hot topic that it was in late 2005, and no matter what you say, pink is no longer the new blog. From now on, gay blogs are just, well, gay. And blog networks? Who gives a shit anymore, really?

With so little places left to roam in the snark department, what are a bunch of outlaws supposed to do? The answer, my friends (and people who can’t quit reading this crap even though they can’t stand us), is obvious. Attack the innocent! I know, I know – it’s beautiful.

Once upon a time, The Deuce roamed the net all starry-eyed, jumping from blog to blog and reading with reckless abandon. Then, a funny thing happened. He realized that just about everything he was reading pretty much sucked ass. Naturally, he stopped reading and promptly returned to the peaceful solitude of smoke-filled titty bars. Nothing says anti-blogosphere like boobs in the face, lemme tell ya. After seeing one too many pimply asses, The Deuce returned to the blogosphere this month to see if anything had changed.

Nothing has. Everything out there still pretty much sucks, and now The Deuce is concerned with his fellow humans’ tastes. Will somebody tell me how the fuck this bitch became so popular? The idiotsphere blogosphere has made her such a screen-celeb that she thinks she can make her own fucking movies at 2 am and have people blow smoke up her ass as a result! Moreover, how does a politically-motivated “feelgood” blog gain any popularity at all (11th on Technorati! Nice work, pansy-asses)? Housewives suddenly needed another feelgood outlet lumped between Regis and Kelly and The motherfucking View? Jesus H. Christ, people. You’re infecting my world with this shit.

Listen to me, and listen good. I don’t want to read female blogs unless they talk about poop or sex. Sure, I can live with the occasional topical blog by a true professional, but space is limited, so apply now. If this makes me a dickhead sexist, then fine! I still don’t give a shit about your spring fashion woes, your political views, your kid, or the fact that your husband is away on business for a week porking his new pot-smoking, blonde Canadian contact in Vancouver. Blog that shit in MS Word and keep it the fuck off the internets. KTHX.

Moving right along…

Why is FARK.com so FARKING ugly? Nothing this ugly should be allowed, not even in a West Virginia brothel. I’ll admit, there’s some humor over there, but let’s think of FARK like a Christmas present. You don’t wrap a great gift up in skidmarked toilet paper and give it to somebody, do ya?? Sheez. Too busy for design, are ya? Making too much money on that, are ya? Got your nose stuffed too deep in powder and plunging necklines, Drew? Honestly, I can’t blame him on that one, but eh knee way.

Take a look at this Fuckr, who was 38th on Technorati’s Top 100 list at the time I pissed off a bunch of people (aka wrote this article). Once you decide to quit being pissed at me because I linked you to that garbage, tell me how anyone on MSN Spaces gets any respect at all, especially in this era of “Microsoft sucks.” That bullshit is more popular than JOAB! You believe that shit? I will say this, though. The Japanese gave us MXC, so I guess all sins are forgiven. And just to serve as an example of how the blogosphere has mind-fucked us all just a little bit, why is it that every time I watch MXC, I am somehow reminded of The Man Blog? Weird.

Eff me – I’m all tuckered out. Somebody go take care of this mess, wouldja? I’m afraid the blogosphere is already too polluted. Sidekick, start a grassroots greenpeace blogosphere movement or somethin, wouldja? The best thing you’ve done all week was crack on “Chris” like so:

Have you ever watched someone’s IQ drop in real time?

Fascinating.

Go save the blogosphere. I need a drink.

In a previous post that I don’t care to link to right now due to laziness, I mentioned that we didn’t have enough money over the weekend to get any strippers back to the VIP. In case you thought I was really just lying and instead sitting around counting hundred dollar bills, here’s proof to the contrary:

dude: Hey The Deuce… did you get your check from us?
The Deuce: no, man
dude: errrrr. I will look into that tomrrow, first thing.
The Deuce: I’m eating off the floor and scrounging through dumpsters
The Deuce: but I still have my wi-fi
The Deuce: god willing

And you thought you knew everything about the seedy underbelly of the blogosphere…

Is it just me, or are things changing around here? I thought this was supposed to be Cowboy vs. The World, or maybe more specifically, Cowboy insults The World. Thanks to a Sidekick, a new design, and some really fuckin strong peyote, however, things look a lot different. And now? Now The Deuce is on board, and this place is starting to look like Tombstone.

So anyway, last night, the League of Extraordinary Bloggers (we’ll call them the LXB…you know, because X’s are cool) met at a seedy strip joint to discuss future universal domination over beers and boobs. Well…OVER beers and UNDER boobs. You can’t get over boobs at that place for under $100, and since Google changed their PPC stuff, it’ll be a while before any of us are over boobs. But I digress. Once again, the LXB were at a titty bar, and we were mulling over the idea of lynching the blogosphere and basically taking over. You know, launching our own Apollo 13, landing that SOB on the proverbial moon of the blogosphere, and sticking a rigid Cowboy-esque flag in that mother fucker to claim our territory. Oh, and then we’d piss on it just to make sure everybody knows who was there first.

Yeah, how we gonna do that? Easy breezy, dude. For sheezy. Look at some of the most popular blogs on the net. All of these so-called u?ber bloggers have the same problem, and there’s not a damn thing they can do about it! Their problem? Each of them is only one person. Now, I reckon that just about anybody could come out and try to post 5 times a day, but I doubt very seriously that any of them could achieve that kind of consistency and maintain any semblance of quality. Thanks to beer, boobies, and peyote, however, we now see how our band of outlaws will conquer the universe with a veritable typhoon of entertaining, time-robbing, sexy, beautiful, snarky, cowboyish content. It’s true – I promise.

It seems like everybody wants to create a blog network these days. You know what, though? I don’t WANT a damn network. I’m lazy. The fewer clicks, the better. In fact, I just want to use the handy little scroll button on my mouse to waste time. Let’s face it. It beats the hell out of blowing the ligaments in my index finger, clicking on all your little content-specific sites just HOPING that somebody posted something that justifies burning up my free time. Networks are dumb. Really good sites with LOTS of fresh, new content are not. When a really good site is maintained by a band of snarky outlaws like us…well…you better get your scroll button ready.

You know what? Just for kicks, we’re going to track all this via Technorati and any other blog ranking service you can think of, because the popularity is going to skyrocket. In fact, it already is, and it’s only been a week since Cowboy rolled out the new red carpet. Once it’s all said and done, we’ll throw a few eye-popping graphics in your face, and you’ll be as high on us as we were on the peyote. Oh, and you’ll love us for it.