Prediction: American Idol Finalists for 2009
You know how cartoon characters get those crazy spirally eyes when they get hypnotized? Well that’s exactly how I get when American Idol is on. Every year I rant and rave how I won’t waste a second of my life watching this predictable reality train wreck. Yet it pulls me in without fail.
I can’t look away. But I can see the final contestants. Call me psychic.
THE GEEK: This guy will connect with 16-year-old girls. He’s offbeat, quirky and safe. In the high school hallways he could never get a date. But on TV, he’s included in video montages surrounded by girls. Woman love him, grandmothers worship him.
HANDICAPPED DUDE: This contestant will yank at your heartstrings. And while they might not have the best voice, you will tell yourself that they do. They don’t want your sympathy vote, yet you dial in anyway.
THE GRIEVER: Even though they recently lost a loved one, this contestant finds a way to power through the sadness. They will honor the deceased with their performances because it’s what the departed would have WANTED they to do.
ETHNIC FLAIR: A hint of Asian gets your attention, but she usually loses out early on because the female public just ‘doesn’t see it.’
EBONY MAMA: Three jobs, four kids and one church choir. No breaks, until now.
GIRL NEXT DOOR: She’s the front runner, at least until everybody finds out she once had a record deal.
BLUE COLLAR BOB: He left the oil fields to pursue his dreams. He’s a rocker with ‘soul.’
AMBIGUOUSLY GAY SASSY DUDE: Kind of girlie for a boy but kind of masculine for a girl, this contestant gives it to Simon…hard.
RASPY CHICK: Just enough Joan Jett to coast by. She’ll be exposed during cheesy guest spot nights featuring Wayne Newton and/or Barry Manilow.
Who do you think will be in the finals? Cause we know we ain’t the only one blessed with reality TV clairvoyency.
Prove me wrong, IDOL!
I can hear the winning song now…
Just add the words “hope,” “time,” and “dream” into a blender and see what comes out.
What do you think?