The Day I Broke Up With Cherry Garcia
I can make you a promise, right here, right now. I will never – ever – eat ice cream, made from breast milk. Sorry PETA.
I’d sooner peel away the ozone layer myself and drive a Hummer to the moon.
Those two hippies from Vermont sure like to think off the farm. I’m talking about none other than Ben and Jerry, ice cream manufacturers extraordinaire. If the duo decided to go the Lactacious Pastaicious route, it wouldn’t be the first time they used an ingredient that made me scratch my head.
Ben and Jerry became part of my life in the early nineties. I was a mid-teen away at summer camp in New Hampshire. One night, I was fast asleep, dreaming about the girls of Bunk 19, when I was jarred from my sleep. The counselors had returned from “town” with several pints of B&J. That night, I lost my virginity. I did it three times. Their names? Cherry Garcia (a spicy Latina), Heath Car Crunch (not as gay as it sounds) and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (a real chub rock). From that moment on, Cherry and I made a pact to see each other. Our relationship was more physical than anything else. In fact, I never really got to know what she was made of. Until that fateful day. Born from boredom, I decided to flip her on her side and read what she was really about.
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Guar Gum – no surprises.
But then I saw it.
BEET JUICE.
What was a vegetable like that doing in a place like this? And how has it slid past my palate for so long undetected?
Even though the container went out of its way to explain that this ingredient was purely for “coloring,” our relationship has never been the same. From that point forward I’m a changed man. I can’t so much glance at a pint of ice cream without worrying what lies beneath.
Cherry and I still see each other, and we definitely have our share of good times, but it’s fair to say that things have never been the same.
I am 15 years removed from that Green Mountain summer, but I clearly haven’t learned my lesson.
I recently fell head over heels for Americone Dream, Ben and Jerry’s latest flavor boasting Steven Colbert’s moniker. Vanilla ice cream with massive caramel swirls, peppered with chocolate dipped cone fragments; what could be wrong? (Aside from 17g of fat per serving.) What puts the flavor over the top is how the bits of cone, even though they are frozen and immersed in ice cream, are astoundingly crispy.
But why?
In an effort to find out, I flipped the pint to reveal what was inside.
Milkfat, Corn Starch, Palm and/or Soybean Oil, Guar Gum – all expected.
But then I saw it.
Bamboo Fiber.
Huh? Now I’m a panda?!
I’m guessing this is the “magic” ingredient that keeps the cone crispy.
This is the last time you’ll “get me,” Ben and Jerry. From now on I’ll ask questions first and get fat later.
It’s amazing and sometimes disgusting what you will find once you get into the habit of looking at labels. ICK!
Smart Mouth Broad said this on October 2, 2008 5:45 am