Preparing our Oscar Speech
Tis the season for gratuitous award shows that allow our star-powered elite to pat themselves on the back. As these famous folks stroke each other off, it occurred to me, if Jack of All Blogs was accepting an award, our speech would break all the rules. We’d be honest and pithy. Heck, we’d show up even if the writers were still on strike.
And the award goes to, Jack of All Blogs!
“I deserve this. From the hours I spent researching the role, to the grueling on-set hours, I gave everything I had and the end result spoke for itself.”
(As I unfold the speech…) “I came prepared because I knew I had a 20% chance of winning.”
“It’s really satisfying to beat out a lot these people. Overall my fellow nominees were fairly weak.”
“The red carpet was so much fun. Interesting questions, deep conversations and salt of the earth type folks.”
“I only showed up because they told me in advance that I won.”
“I’d like to thank the general public for allowing me to ascertain a ridiculous amount of money. More than I’ll ever know what to do with.”
“At the end of my speech, can y’all point to which direction I need to exit the stage. Cause I know I’ll get it wrong even though I’ve been rehearsing in my mind all night.”
“I’d thank my other cast mates but they were a tiny piece in a large puzzle.”
“The people I’d like to thank already know who they are.”
“This trophy is lame. Before you AccessHollywoodInsderTonight people ask: I’m keeping it on my mantle.”
“It was a long road, I’m now validated. Hey trophy presenter person, wanna get smashed as hell?”
“Thanks for the award. We’re just hoping to avoid eye contact with Tom Cruise so he doesn’t turn us into space dust.”
Maybe this is why we haven’t brought home the gold. Yet.
What do you think?