It’s my blog. I can do with it what I want right?
I had this great post set up. I was going to do it. It was about Adidas and how they understand Advertising 2.0. All the thoughts were on my mind. It was all coming together and then something unexpected happened. I deleted the whole damn thing.
You see at times I’m plumb sick of the internets. I’m sick of not being able to motivate myself enough to overcome the slump I’m in lately. I was thinking well let’s redesign a few things. Nah even that didn’t inspire me enough to get out of my personal slump. The problem with slumps is that they effect my productivity which is down. It’s not down in public level, but it’s down on a private level.
It seems like in the last few months I have lost some friends. Some by choice, others by death, and others yet because they chose to drift away. Then I moved to the east coast and its more of the same…. I thought I would connect with some old friends when I got here. But not really. I thought I would connect with potential friends when I got here but personal politics seemed to get mired in the way.
Alas this isn’t some personal crisis. It’s a reflection of what I need to do as a human. I’m not a very social being. That being said I enjoy socializing if its the right crowd. With that being said. I wander into another train of thought. Here’s a letter to my dear friend Martin, and to his new blog : GonzoBlog:
Dear Martin,
Sometimes venting on the net about people you think are nuts and crazy only tends to make you one of them.
Drifting losely between reality and the vast space between heaven and hell, we call earth. It’s in this space
that you will find yourself. Sometimes thinking that your snark is worth the energy—only realizing that nothing
is worth that. It will soak up all your energy until one day it will do what it has done to me. It has broken me all
over again. I realize the longings of this snark. It’s not fame I was after. It’s not power. I was after security. The security
to know that atleast you and as many others are out there hating me. It’s fulfilling. Atleast we know we have each other. You’re there to hate me. And everything that I am. Me to forgive you. Knowing that I have been in your shoes. Shoes that never fit to good. Cowboy was an act. An act that didn’t fit me to well. See a long time ago I was even a youth group leader. I lost religion howerver a long time since. I’m basically a small town chap with no aspirations of blogebrity status. Once I even lived in a small amish community in Montana. It was peaceful. I road the horse and buggy. I dressed in black. I wore the hat, the suspenders and the shoes. I spoke the german. It was all foreign to me. I did it for the security of knowing that I was alive. I blended into the crowd. But in reality I didn’t I was the outsider. And again here I was drawn to be Cowboy because he was an outsider. He was a rebel. But the truth of the matter is… Being an outsider only makes you lonely. Makes you bitter.
If I had to do it all over again I would kissed this blog good bye a long time ago. I would have kissed all the people I met goodbye a long time ago. I would have remained buried deep in my solitary place in Montana. I had a nice place. A place not far from anywhere with a creek nearby, and some of the best fishing grounds in all of the world. The entire valley had less people living in it than my blog gets visitors in an hour on a Monday morning. So be careful Martin. I may be fucked up in the head. But alas you may be headed down the same road. And I can only say its painful. It’s hard—- it seeps into every day life. It eats at you and your friends, your family until it consumes you and your the only one left. Then its not worth it. So tread cautiously my friend. In the end the only thing that counts is this. Be yourself. If this is you.. then great I bless you with all the traffic in the world. It’s not that great even the King of Blog Snark in his hey day didn’t get that good of stats. I didnt write this because I’m upset with you calling me names and what not. I tried not to call people horrible names when I was bashing. I’m not angry, or pissed. I’m sorry I created this amount of hatred deep inside you about me. Or about Pearson, or about anyone for that matter. This letter certainly won’t fix it. But you can rest assured that I will be watching, hoping you find peace within your blogging. Because hatred will only get you as far as the end of the road and then you are still left with out a roadmap to where your going, or how you even got on the road in the first place.
Good Night Martin…
G’Day Dave,
I don’t hate you champ, I’m just intrigued that’s all. You’re a strange character at times – you gather your e-mob to lay into those that upset you (you mastered that art last year) and when it comes back on you you start this pity me, I’m broken montage. I’m just intrigued, tis all.
See, first impressions tend to stick. And you’d of course know what the perception many have of you ? Perceptions may not be reality but in this crazy world perceptions count much more than reality. And perceptions are hard to shake, aren;t they? And really, you got no one to blame but yourself for the perception you have built for yourself.
“You’re there to hate me” – once again, you think too much of yourself, Dave. You really think that much of yourself that I spend the little time online I do plotting your downfall (okay I spend maybe 5-10 minutes thinking how to link bait you ;-).
Now onto your “Cowboy” act …
See that’s what I don’t get about “personas” and “acts” and all that – my current “personal” blog is just me. Are you so low in self-esteem that you would put on an act? Explain this “persona” and “act” thing to me. I just don’t get the thought processes behind it – it smacks of insecurity.
Look at The Deuce. After the shit hit the fan and he was “outed” he seems to have run for cover.
You know when you clean house and start a blog with no real goals/desires as I have it is quite refreshing – you should give it a try. Drop the ego desire and blog for yourself. It’s good for the soul.
See mate I’m not bitter or lonely as you suggest I’m heading towards – I’m simply having the time of my life with blogging these days (as well as all that blogging has given me in outside gigs) – be it a little bit of snark, honest posting, slapping you around just a little … it’s all fun and games. You see deep down I’m all punk, gonzo and chaos – but in a good way. I know when to stop. I know when to go full bore. i don’t live in the stiffling blogosphere as much as I used to. See, I vansished for a while and I’m as fresh as ever.
“Be yourself. If this is you.. then great I bless you with all the traffic in the world” – see, you still don’t get it, Dave – with my personal blog traffic means so little to me. If the audience comes, they come – if not … big deal. Take a second to think about that and you’ll realize how free it can set you.
FInally, I don’t really get your overall “Dear Martin” message to moi. You seem to suggest we’re much alike, yet this confession-like rambling written to me, well …
“youth group leader. I lost religion. a small town chap. lived in a small amish community in Montana. I road the horse and buggy. I dressed in black. I wore the hat, the suspenders and the shoes. I spoke the german … and so forth”
I’m confused, intrigued and yet, quite saddened by your tone – reading between the lines you seem to be in a ugly slump.
Take it easy on yourself, champ.
Martin said this on March 28, 2006 10:24 am