Easy Lazy Guide to Simple Success Beyond Your Wettest Dreams!!!
(1) If you get a bill in the mail, wrongfully sent, take brown shoe polish, dab some on a Kleenix (buy an ad, Kleenex, in Vaspers the Grape) brand tissue paper, then apply liberally, but in a kind and subtle gently, to select spots of bill.
Put in the postpaid return envelope, or attach the whole thing to a kraft paper wrapped brick, and mail back.
(2) Quick Lazy road to Riches and Fame, PROVEN even here at Jack Blog:
How to Get the Attention and Fondling of Famous, Rich, Successful Rose Turds:
Write nice, funny, smart emails and blog posts to them. Post once a week (NO MORE, for fuck’s sake, you better fucking NOT tell them “Vaspers taught me how to spam you”. Do that, and my MindBots WILL get you, and I’ll provide you with a list of barely communcative victims of this Moon Voodoo I got by inhaling ExtraTerrestial drugs, unapproved by the FDA) a brilliant comment at his or her blog.
(3) Get the rich powerful fucks on YOUR side, for a change, instead of having just creepy lowlife loser bloggers, like my Ph.D. detractors here at this blog (see comments on my posts), and get them to let you clean their toilets.
(4) Leave a nice poem on the toilet lid every day when you have finished polishing the rim and lid with your tongue. Or a list of SUGGESTED (not mandatory) improvements for his company, blog network, or media offerings.
(5) Get high on lamb’s breath, sinsimilla, or rasta spliff…and WAIT.
(6) WAIT some more.
(7) WAIT again…now you’re not “stalking” because you’re too busy beating off to do any serious, sustained stalking or job seeking.
VOILA!...within a few chunks of the space-time continuum, you will be sought eagerly by all the soon-to-be nobody Celebrities, whether Stephen Malkmus, Donald Trump, Seth Godin, Chartreuse, Jakob Nielsen, ghost of Jacques Derrida or Proust, Hilarity Clinton, George Beat Around the Bush, or even me, myself
Be sure to violate usability rules, use ALL CAPS whenever the hell you feel like it, and visit Maddox at The Best Page of the Universe, if he hasn’t had a turdball mental breakdown yet, the sissy. There, at his blog, you WILL grow a set of balls or castration blades (for you beautiful, scantily clad lassies and prim ladies).
Use strange, deliverate typos, be Dada, be Surrealism, be….RICH…and unfortunately FAMOUS.
NOW!
LOVE lopLETTER to ALL my haters and friendly detractors and Spank Administrators: I want you now, as soon as you’re done trying with all your might, to trash or harsh me: do this NOW—go give Satan Spawn Harry Potter yet another big, fat, dreamy blow job. Thank you for your highly motivated cooperation. vsp
