Mail gifts to your mentors, idols, and role models
Now shut up and sit down. Here. Take this, I think you’ll need this mirror to gaze into, look straight into your own eyes, never averting them for even a split second, as I cause you to introject this into your liminal system:
Look at you. Look at who you are. I don’t mean your metro-sexual sissy boy pancake make up and false eyelashes. I mean who you are deep inside your rotten little poor excuse for a soul. Who made you. And don’t give me any shit about being a “self-made man or lady”, I ain’t buying that brand of manure today, thanks for offering it though.
Your mentors, idols, and role models made you. Every single particle of your subatomic structure screams praise and blessing on, NOT you, but who made you. If I inspect deconstructively closely enough, I’ll see your mentors, idols, and role models leaking out. A word here, a facial twitch there, a clever neologism used exclusively by a certain author, or an obsession with the supremacy of text over speech (branding one a “jacques-derridite chromosome”.
You didn’t make you. Who are you kidding? Everything people like you and me touch, turns to first class shit, and there’s absolutely NOTHING we can do about it, except ask our pastors more and more questions about the choir boys and altar clerks.
So you snap out of it right now, pronto, post haste (I hate that jejune phrase, don’t you John C. Dvorak?), and move your butt to:
(1) Post a profound comment, or twelve, on his / her blog, wiki, or web site via a web mail form or “talkback”.
(2) Do that again, every 3 days or so.
(3) PLOT: After you have contributed about $15,000 worth of FREE fricking advice, opinion, caution, warning, complaining, how to instructions, links to cool or absurdly funny sites and / or cartoons, you now deserve the honor of humbling approaching this Ascended Master/Mistress. Figure out what your goal is for bothering your Target Celebrity.
What the fuck makes your news item, link, post, art, photo, cartoon, vlog, podcast, etc. so screwfishy important?
You idiot, you offend his or her intelligence and motivation by even suggesting you “have something” they’d like. If they would like it, they’re rich and well connected, so they already have it, you loser schmuck. Why do I constantly have to preach to you people? You, my readers, you guys drive me insane.
(4) Get dressed and splash on some cologne. We’re going Celebrity Shopping.
(5) If you “admire” that Target Celebrity, I dare you to tell me his favorite type of music, or musical artist. You wretched scum of tar pit delirium headache tornadoes, you say you “love, respect, delight in” your Target Celebrity, yet you don’t know jack-shit about the rose scented turd dropper.
You sicken me with your petty, insincere hero/heroin worship. You puke blogger!
Now that I have offended and frightened you, you’re toughened up enough to approach your brazenly aloof Target Celebrity, who YOU MADE, for without YOU the PUBLIC, there is no, and cannot ever be, any “Target Celebrity”.
(6) I’m exhausted, so I’m going to cheat you by racing through the most important steps to cut to the chase. You buy or make a music CD, of your own band, or a cool band in the genre of music the Target Celebrity likes. Do some damn research if you must, on that genre, listen to a ton of it, get free mp3 dls from net labels, and study it. Once you’ve been sufficiently changed by the onerous music, which any normal human would instantly and permanently hate, you should know what sounds best, and you go get some of that for your poor Target Celebrity.
Or, hell, I’m being open minded today, cuz I in a good mood, buy the bastard or bitch a book…like Naked Conversations. Or Jeremy Wright’s Blog Marketing, Hugh Hewitt’s Blog, Biz Stones’ Who Let the Blogs Out or Net Gain by John Hagel III adn Arthur G. Armstrong.
But first, I’ve got this shit all screwed up, on purpose, to ward off evil detrimental “cyber stalkers” I need to piss them off and send my secret anti-social mindbots at them, which I am known to do, even to shy 13 year old boys who visit a mature woman’s blog and command her to consider using non-geek “capitalization” in her blog posts.
Buy em a book or a CD, or make them something. And mail it 1st Class today. Now.
AFTER you somehow snag their home address. I SHALL NOT tell you the fool-proof, guaranteed way to do this, because I don’t want cyber predators and stalkers to discover this easy secret trick I invented.
It’s 12:03 AM here on the West Coast. I enjoyed speaking with you earlier today and have carved out a bit of time to read (with as much attention, as my exhaustion will permit) your latest posts. I rejoice that you are generating such a good response. I admit, in some ways, I don’t think I understand what makes you tick.
I’m trying to remember to shorten my paragraphs and messages. I just don’t relate to the naked anger. If I’m as assfish, or whatever, why do you want to communicate with me? Or am I just a drone to click on ads and make your boss rich? No joke, Vasp. I don’t totally get it, but I’m glad the site is popular. I absolutely LOVE blogcorevalues. A little something for everyone? Its great.
CyberGal said this on February 24, 2006 2:09 am