Vince Chan has come and gone (sans-linkage, too). Some douche named “Chris” flamed out into the blogovoid after turning in a marquee performance in the comments here on JOAB. Blogging for dollars just isn’t the hot topic that it was in late 2005, and no matter what you say, pink is no longer the new blog. From now on, gay blogs are just, well, gay. And blog networks? Who gives a shit anymore, really?

With so little places left to roam in the snark department, what are a bunch of outlaws supposed to do? The answer, my friends (and people who can’t quit reading this crap even though they can’t stand us), is obvious. Attack the innocent! I know, I know – it’s beautiful.

Once upon a time, The Deuce roamed the net all starry-eyed, jumping from blog to blog and reading with reckless abandon. Then, a funny thing happened. He realized that just about everything he was reading pretty much sucked ass. Naturally, he stopped reading and promptly returned to the peaceful solitude of smoke-filled titty bars. Nothing says anti-blogosphere like boobs in the face, lemme tell ya. After seeing one too many pimply asses, The Deuce returned to the blogosphere this month to see if anything had changed.

Nothing has. Everything out there still pretty much sucks, and now The Deuce is concerned with his fellow humans’ tastes. Will somebody tell me how the fuck this bitch became so popular? The idiotsphere blogosphere has made her such a screen-celeb that she thinks she can make her own fucking movies at 2 am and have people blow smoke up her ass as a result! Moreover, how does a politically-motivated “feelgood” blog gain any popularity at all (11th on Technorati! Nice work, pansy-asses)? Housewives suddenly needed another feelgood outlet lumped between Regis and Kelly and The motherfucking View? Jesus H. Christ, people. You’re infecting my world with this shit.

Listen to me, and listen good. I don’t want to read female blogs unless they talk about poop or sex. Sure, I can live with the occasional topical blog by a true professional, but space is limited, so apply now. If this makes me a dickhead sexist, then fine! I still don’t give a shit about your spring fashion woes, your political views, your kid, or the fact that your husband is away on business for a week porking his new pot-smoking, blonde Canadian contact in Vancouver. Blog that shit in MS Word and keep it the fuck off the internets. KTHX.

Moving right along…

Why is FARK.com so FARKING ugly? Nothing this ugly should be allowed, not even in a West Virginia brothel. I’ll admit, there’s some humor over there, but let’s think of FARK like a Christmas present. You don’t wrap a great gift up in skidmarked toilet paper and give it to somebody, do ya?? Sheez. Too busy for design, are ya? Making too much money on that, are ya? Got your nose stuffed too deep in powder and plunging necklines, Drew? Honestly, I can’t blame him on that one, but eh knee way.

Take a look at this Fuckr, who was 38th on Technorati’s Top 100 list at the time I pissed off a bunch of people (aka wrote this article). Once you decide to quit being pissed at me because I linked you to that garbage, tell me how anyone on MSN Spaces gets any respect at all, especially in this era of “Microsoft sucks.” That bullshit is more popular than JOAB! You believe that shit? I will say this, though. The Japanese gave us MXC, so I guess all sins are forgiven. And just to serve as an example of how the blogosphere has mind-fucked us all just a little bit, why is it that every time I watch MXC, I am somehow reminded of The Man Blog? Weird.

Eff me – I’m all tuckered out. Somebody go take care of this mess, wouldja? I’m afraid the blogosphere is already too polluted. Sidekick, start a grassroots greenpeace blogosphere movement or somethin, wouldja? The best thing you’ve done all week was crack on “Chris” like so:

Have you ever watched someone’s IQ drop in real time?

Fascinating.

Go save the blogosphere. I need a drink.

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